Welcome to the Sunken Kingdom Transcript
INTRODUCTION NARRATOR Welcome dear listeners, to the Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root! SCENE 1. EXT. RIPPLING BROOK. OLFGA Olfga and boys take small human princess now. HEAD VILLAGER While we are devastated by the loss of our beloved queen, our village will honor her sacrifice. VILLAGERS *murmuring in agreement* CAMILLA You shut up. Olfga-- OLFGA Olfga. CAMILLA That's what I said. OLFGA No. Listen. Olfga. CAMILLA Olfga. OLFGA OLFGA. CAMILLA That is literally what I said. ORC BOYS *derisive snorting* OLFGA That is what you think. Humans. Pffft. CAMILLA Well, your accent-- OLFGA Small princess is one who have accent. CAMILLA No I-- OLFGA Is how all beings talk in Navakinsk. Princess is one who has strange accent. BARD She has a point. BOYS *impatient grumbling* OLFGA Enough... how you say? Chit chat. Olfga and boys have important business in Sunken Kingdom. SCENE 2. EXT. THE FAERIE COURT. FAERIE QUEEN Well, mortal, enough chit-chat. What do you say? Will you take the human child? GILBERT It's not like I can really say no. FAENDYR I mean you could. GILBERT And be stuck here for eternity? FAENDYR You'll be stuck with responsibility for a child. Which is like, just as bad. GILBERT No it's not! COLIN Oh, yes. Yes it is. GILBERT We'll take the child. ALL FAERIES *disappointed noises* FAERIE QUEEN Oh thank the moons. That is a weight off our shoulders. Now please leave. COLIN Yeah, get outta here! FAERIE QUEEN No, Colin. You are going with them. COLIN Oooooooooh! FAENDYR We will leave your realm, your magnanimous majesty. FAERIE QUEEN Never to return. GILBERT Gods, I hope not. Sorry. FAENDYR So, uh, how do ''we get back? FAERIE QUEEN You're a mage, are you not? FAENDYR Well, I mean, yeah, but... COLIN Oooh, are we staying? FAERIE QUEEN No! Make your way towards the headless fountain and take a turn at the embalmed children. GILBERT Embalmed-- never mind, I don't want to know. Take a left? FAERIE QUEEN Right. GILBERT "Right" as in directional? Or "correct"? FAERIE QUEEN Yes. Do watch your step. The first one is a doozy. SOUND: A portal opens. COLIN Ooooh this is my favorite part! GILBERT AND FAENDYR Uhhhh? SOUND: ... And they fall through. Objects pass them as they fall. Gil and Faendyr are terrified. Colin is exhilarated. QUICKLY CUT TO: '''SCENE 3. EXT. RIPPLING BROOK.' CAMILLA What if I don't want to go to the Sunken Kingdom? OLFGA What small human princess wants does not matter. Olfga is one in charge. BARD Oh here we go. CAMILLA I. BEG. YOUR. PARDON?! I am heir to the throne of Kirkland, you may not presume to-- OLFGA Yes. Olfga may. Olfga wonder what princess is doing in pathetic, nowhere village with no strong guard humans to protect small, soft princess. CAMILLA I can protect myself! OLFGA Then why is Olfga and Boys taking princess now? Olfga think princess has-- how you say? "Gotten in over head." BARD You got that right. OLFGA Olfga and boys use small human princess to get into Sunken Kingdom. Maybe then we let go. Maybe then we ransom for more coin. Yakov! ORC BOY YAKOV Hm? OLFGA Take princess. We march! (Getting louder as they fall from the sky:) GILBERT & FAENDYR (falling, terrified) Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!! COLIN (falling, exhilerated) Wheeeeee SOUND: A loud CRUNCHING CRASH as Gil, Faendyr and Colin land on the orc boys. VILLAGERS Oooooooh. OLFGA Olfga's beautiful boys! GILBERT & FAENDYR Oooowwww. COLIN Again! Again! GILBERT Are you alright? FAENDYR Yeah... this, um, yikes. I think this is an orc? Yeah, their neck broke my fall. CAMILLA What just happened? BARD (singing and playing his lute) Gilbert and Faendyr and a small human child '' ''Have fallen from a portal in the sky, '' ''And it would seem they have broken the necks of those three orcs. CAMILLA I can see that! But what happened?! GILBERT We were kidnapped by fairies. BARD (singing) Told you. CAMILLA Smugness is unbecoming in a commoner. FAENDYR Also, we have a child now, evidently. COLIN Hail and well met, friends! OLFGA Humans who fell from sky have killed Yakov, Tolya and Frolov! COLIN We killed them? GILBERT Uh, they're just sleeping! OLFGA For their death, you must pay with your lives! Olfga unsheathes her sword, frightening the Villagers GILBERT Woah, woah hold on! FAENDYR Ugh. Sorry, we just did a "life-for-a-life" thing. Speaking of, where's your family live, kid? COLIN Rippling Brook! HEAD VILLAGER You're in Rippling Brook. Who are you? I've never seen you before in my life. VILLAGERS *murmuring in agreement* COLIN I'm Colin! OLFGA Olfga will not be ignored! FAENDYR For the gods' sakes- just give us a second to hand this kid off, okay? HEAD VILLAGER Who are your parents, child? COLIN My father's name is Miles, and my mother is Agnes. She is the one who fought for the Queen in the war. GILBERT We don't have a Queen. CAMILLA Not yet. FAENDYR Maybe he meant the Empress of the Imperium? GILBERT Hold on. The last war was over a century ago. FAENDYR That's not possible. He's still a kid. CAMILLA You're the arcane specialist. Don't you know that time moves differently in other realms? COLIN I've been gone for 100 years? FAENDYR Looks like it, kid. COLIN But, my family... my parents... that means I'm an orphan. GILBERT I know it's a lot to take in. COLIN Everyone I've ever known is dead. FAENDYR Probably, yeah. I mean, unless you knew any elves. GILBERT I'm so sorry, Colin. COLIN I shall look on you as my new family! GILBERT Um... FAENDYR Oh no... COLIN The faeries stole me away from my family, but they brought me to you! You shall be as my new family, who will never abandon me! GILBERT Oh gods. FAENDYR What do we do? GILBERT We can't just leave Colin here all by himself. BARD No, I mean we could. GILBERT We have to take Colin with us. He is our responsibility now. COLIN I told you I was a lot of responsibility! FAENDYR Gil, I understand you're trying to "do the right thing"- which is adorable by the way- but that's going to be a bit of a problem. OLFGA Is no problem. CAMILLA Yes "is problem"! We're on a quest! OLFGA Olfga say what is done. We also take small human young. He pose less threat to dwarves than even full-grown humans. (The Boys laugh) Better cover for Olfga and remaining boys! COLIN I'm not young! I'm 107! FAENDYR In Elven years you'd still be in primary school. COLIN How do you know? FAENDYR I'm an elf...? COLIN Ooooooh! ... What is "school"? FAENDYR Yeah, I'm seeing now that we should have let the fairies eat you, kid. GILBERT Faendyr... COLIN But I'm not ripe yet! OLFGA Enough talk! We march. HEAD VILLAGER Um, excuse me, um, Lady Olfga? What do we do about your, um, friends here? The ones who are... uh, sleeping? OLFGA Olfga leave them for you, as a reminder. VILLAGERS *confused murmuring* HEAD VILLAGER A reminder.... of..... what? A beat. OLFGA We go now! The Boys grab the Companions and push them on ahead THE BARD Careful, I have a rash! FAENDYR Um, hands off please. COLIN Ooooh! Where are we going? SCENE 4. EXT. TRAVELING BARD (Colin is talking in the background) And so brave Sir Rodney accompanied by the supremely talented and best bard in all of Kirkland- and those other people- are forced at sword-point to travel north towards the subterranean nation of the Sunken Kingdom... COLIN Oh! Do you ever wonder if the trees get cold when all of their leaves all come off? I do! I wonder what they think. I wonder if they find it embarrassing when they change colors. You know how sometimes they change... BARD They-- Colin-- can you not-- I can't think... No whatever it's fine, I was basically done. COLIN ... Do you ever wonder what trees think about? I wonder that myself all the time. They stand around for a very long time I would think that they would probably have all sorts of things. I mean there are so very many bird that all land on their branches. Do you think they have favorites? Do think it annoys them? Do you know? ... I think that birds are very strange. You see they have those funny little legs that they look like sort of like pitchforks you know. And they hop all about. And they go hop hop hop ... You know how sometimes when you're walking? Sometimes it's dirk, but then other times its stones or rocks. I wonder what what that means. What kind of rocks do you like? I like the ones that are round.... ... I have found in my experience that goats tend to be more trustworthy than sheep, you see. I don't know why it 'tis. Maybe it's because they have those horns. Do you think maybe those horns mean that they are more reliable. I had not thought of it that way. Perhaps that is true. .... I know lots of people. Let me think. There's me mum. And me dad. And then there's my first brother. And then my sister. And then I have another sister and another sister and then there's a brother and then there's another sister and another brother... ... I mean if I could fly I would fly everywhere I could. I would fly very high up in the sky, and then I would come alllll the way down and I would get very close to the ground. But not too close because I wouldn't want to touch the ground... SCENE 5. EXT. JADE REACH ENTRANCE. A windy, mountainous area. A sense of elevation and wide open space. '' COLIN And that's why you should never take advice from sheep on a Tuesday! OLFGA For last time, small human shut its big mouth! COLIN But they are considered to be more reliable on Wednes-- Ooooooh! ''Jade Reach music beings FAENDYR Well. We're here. COLIN What's that big door-thing in the mountain? Does a giant live there? FAENDYR No. Dwarves are just super extra. GILBERT It's... amazing. Not what I expected. CAMILLA Well, they are symbolic as much as functional. The Dwarves wanted to impress the Surface Kingdoms to encourage trade. OLFGA Excluding Navakinski peoples. CAMILLA Yes, there's a long and complicated history between those two nations. And they still don't allow just anyone into their cities. FAENDYR Which is why we're here on this thrilling ''week long distraction from our own quest. Whoopee. ''The music abruptly stops. GILBERT So, how do we-- SOUND: The ding of an elevator door. A large, MECHANICAL DOOR OPENS, followed by heavy FOOTSTEPS, with sounds of mechanical pistons and joints as the automaton moves. It speaks in a slightly disjointed voice, not unlike a computer's pattern of speech. AUTOMATON Welcome to the entrance to Jade Reach, capital of the vast Sunken Kingdom. COLIN Ooooooh! It's a giant metal... giant! Hail and well met, friend! AUTOMATON I am an automaton, an example of Dwarven superiority in engineering and magical crafting. FAENDYR (verbal expression of an eyeroll) Uuuugh. AUTOMATON Our skills vastly outpace those of the humans and elves. FAENDYR Whoopty doo. It's not a race. CAMILLA A little sensitive there, are we? FAENDYR Dwarves think they're all that with their automatons and planned cities and democracy and whatever. Like, wow, congrats, no one cares. CAMILLA Oh, clearly. AUTOMATON I can take you to-- FAENDYR I mean the Elven Imperium ruled the whole globe but elves don't go on and on about it. AUTOMATON I can take you to Jade-- FAENDYR And we still would if the humans in the south hadn't gotten all whiny about rights and stuff and went and had a rebellion. AUTOMATON I can take--- CAMILLA As a descendant of one of those whiny humans who started the rebellion-- OLFGA SHUT UP. All of you. COLIN Ooooh hooo oooo! OLFGA Especially loud small boy. Let Giant Metal Giant speak. AUTOMATON I can take you to Jade Reach, but we do not grant entrance to everyone. We only allow the pure of purpose. FAENDYR Gag me with a spoon. AUTOMATON Consumed by jealousy of our advances beyond their feeble abilities-- FAENDYR Oh my gods. many races and nations seek to steal our technology. Why should I permit your group entry? ORC BOYS *unsure grumbling* OLFGA Olfga let human princess do talking. CAMILLA Ugh. Fine. (clears her throat, then:) Hello, greetings. I am the Crown Princess Camilla. AUTOMATON That name is not recognized. CAMILLA I'm heir to the throne of Kirkland! AUTOMATON We do not care about the hierarchy of other nations. CAMILLA Now that's horse sh--... shoes. AUTOMATON I beg your pardon? GILBERT Haha! That's a joke. It's a human joke. Hilarious, right guys? COMPANIONS AND OLFGA (Feeble, nervous laughter) COLIN (genuine laughter) That's so funny! The Automaton turns to look at Gilbert GILBERT But we'd hate to waste any more of your time. My, um... OLFGA Comrades. GILBERT C''omrades and I would like entrance into your lovely city. AUTOMATON What is your purpose? GILBERT Um...? FAENDYR We're from the Mages' College. Maybe you've heard of it? ''(The Automaton wheels around to look at him) It's located in the Elven Imperium. You know? The oldest and most storied nation on the continent? We're here to study the fantastic advancements of your society for our... graduate project. AUTOMATON You claim to be from an Elven college, but you are the only elf. FAENDYR They're exchange students. AUTOMATON The child? FAENDYR He's a full-grown gnome, actually. COLIN I'm a gnome?! AUTOMATON You are suggesting those orcs are students? FAENDYR Why wouldn't they be? AUTOMATON They are orcs. ORC BOYS *offended grumbling* FAENDYR Elves welcome all who would learn into their lands. But, if you wish to stand in the way of cross-cultural exchange, that's your choice. I'm sure we can go to any city in the Elven kingdom and be welcomed without suspicion, despite our differences. AUTOMATON The Sunken Kingdom is, of course, as welcoming as the Elven Imperium. If not moreso. FAENDYR Oh, of course. AUTOMATON Please, step inside the elevator. COLIN The what? GILBERT No idea. SCENE 6. INT. THE ELEVATOR. A small, enclosed area. Not unlike... well, an elevator. AUTOMATON Please keep your hands, feet and additional appendages inside the moving vehicle at all times. The metal door rolls closed, and the elevator begins to move. The Companions wiggle around in the too-small space. FAENDYR Ugh, Camilla get your elbow out of my stomach. CAMILLA When you get your hair out of my face! BARD Woah woah! Watch the lute! FAENDYR Why do you have it out??! GILBERT (tapping on the orc's jerkin desperately) Excuse me, um, orc boy? Do you mind... I-I can't breathe. ORC BOY *grrr* GILBERT (he's not:) Nevermind I'm fine. OLFGA Olfga is slightly disappointed we make it into Jade Reach. Olfga looked forward to breaking all of humans' fragile bones. COLIN How did you get so big and strong? OLFGA Eating small human young that talk too much. COLIN Oooooooooh! Of course! The ELEVATOR STOPS. A DING. The DOORS SLIDE OPEN. AUTOMATON Welcome to Jade Reach. SCENE 7. "EXT" JADE REACH. STREET. A bustling FANTASY CITY, the capital of a vast underground empire. Carts moving on TRACKS, CARTS rolling on a street, PEOPLE TALKING, HAWKING, etc, but all with the sense of being in an expansive underground area. EVERYONE Oooooh ahhhh etc AUTOMATON Yes, beholding the Reach for the first time is a life changing experience. FAENDYR Not really, but okay. GILBERT Faendyr... FAENDYR What? They live in a city underground, congrats. Rabbits have been doing that for thousands of years. COLIN And birds. GILBERT No, Collin. COLIN Fish? GILBERT No. COLIN Are you sure? OLFGA Clearly tall elf has issues he needs to work on. FAENDYR I'm just uncomfortable when the conversation isn't about me. AUTOMATON Enjoy your stay. The automaton WALKS AWAY. FAENDYR You guys do get that I was talking out of my butt about the College right? GILBERT Yeah, we got it. FAENDYR Cuz I don't want you guys thinking elves are like, chill or anything. Generally speaking we're really uptight. OLFGA Olfga is, how you say? Shocked. COLIN Question: How do you talk with your butt? CAMILLA Well, Olfga. We got you into Jade Reach. What now? OLFGA Olfga and boys have important job to search for Flesh Eater demon staff in Jade Reach for big client. GILBERT The Consumer of Flesh? FAENDYR Haha what, so weird! (whispering:) Gil! What are you doing?! GILBERT What? FAENDYR Don't tell her we're looking for it too! COLIN Why are we whispering? OLFGA Olfga thought to hold soft princess for ransom from father king, but princess is too much of, how you say, pain in neck. CAMILLA Thank you, that means a lot coming from you. OLFGA Olfga and boys go to search Jade Reach now. Soft princess and friends are free. FAENDYR Oh, no no, we're not friends. GILBERT Thank you, Olfga... and boys-- OLFGA Farewell, soft humans and elf. GILBERT Good luck with your job! The orcs WALK AWAY CAMILLA Why did you thank them? They drug us here against our will. GILBERT Sorry. I want everyone to like me, I guess? CAMILLA You need to work on that. You can't be everything to everyone. Well, unless you're royalty of course. FAENDYR Yeah, executing people if they don't worship you isn't the same thing as being liked, though. CAMILLA That Relic isn't going to find itself. GILBERT Hold on. Where do we even start? A rat approaches Colin and SQUEAKS at him. COLIN Hail and well met, friend! BARD That's a rat. BRAD Squeak! Squeak squeak! COLIN Oh, yes please, tell me more! SOUND: Colin runs off GILBERT Colin! Don't wander too far! And meet back here in an hour! COLIN (from further away) I don't know how to tell time but okay! FAENDYR Lovely. Our insane child is talking to vermin. CAMILLA He survived a century with the faeries and didn't become an hors d'oeuvre. He'll be fine. We need to focus on finding the staff. GILBERT And before Olfga does. FAENDYR This is a big city. Where do we even start? GILBERT Faendyr, do you have anything in that magic book of yours? FAENDYR It's a grimoire and no, I don't. CAMILLA Well, we know that the dwarven society as a whole is logical and organized. Where's the most logical place to put an object of great historical value in a major city? GILBERT & FAENDYR Uhhhhh, hmmmmmmmm CAMILLA It's not a trick question. FAENDYR Oh, I know, I just want to see if you two do. CAMILLA A museum, you dolts. GILBERT Oh! FAENDYR Oh yeah. Obvi. CAMILLA We just have to find it. How hard can it be? SCENE 8. EXT. JADE REACH. STREET. GILBERT Excuse me? DWARF Dwarven crafts! Fine Dwarven crafts, direct from Orzammar-- GILBERT Oh, no, I'm sorry, I don't want to buy anything, I need directions. --- CAMILLA Automaton! Direct me to the museum of magical objects. THE INTERFACE AS AN AUTOMATON I'm sorry, human, but I'm afraid I can't do that. --- FAENDYR You... dwarf! Yes, you. ... Don't make an obscene gesture at me, I need help! --- BARD (singing) Does anyone know where the museum is? (Someone drops coins in front of him) Oh no, I'm not busking-- oh nice. Any requests? SCENE 9. EXT. JADE REACH. STREET. SOUND: A clock chimes the hour. CAMILLA Well, that was a complete waste of time. Hopefully you boys were more productive. GILBERT Um, well, I have this now. I think it's a bag of holding? FAENDYR Oh honey, that's definitely a knock-off... Wait, you actually bought that? GILBERT I didn't want to be rude. CAMILLA And did this merchant then give you directions? GILBERT Um. No. COLIN I found a bunch of rats! FAENDYR Glad to see they didn't carry you off. COLIN Would you all like to meet them? FAENDYR No. GILBERT Maybe later, Colin. COLIN Your loss. CAMILLA What about you, Faendyr? Any luck? FAENDYR Everyone ignored me for some reason. CAMILLA Maybe because you exude this aura that you think you're better than everyone else. FAENDYR Oh ho, that's the dread wolf calling the cauldron black. BARD Are you going to ask me? EVERYONE ELSE *surprised noises* GILBERT Oh my gods. I completely forgot you were here. COLIN Who are you again? BARD No, no, it's fine. I get it. I'm more of a device than a character. Please, continue ignoring me. CAMILLA Well, bard, do you know where the museum is? BARD Even if I did I wouldn't tell you. Your majesty. GILBERT Let's just try again. Maybe we'll have better luck. FAENDYR Yes, because things have been going so well on the quest so far. GILBERT Olfga brought us most of the way to the staff. What are the chances of that? CAMILLA Gil, ask her. That dwarven woman over there. She looks knowledgeable. GILBERT Excuse me? Miss? BIANKA Who? Me? GILBERT Yes. Sorry. Where is the museum? BIANKA Excuse you. I'm a tourist. This is the first time I've been here in my entire life. GILBERT Oh. Sorry. BIANKA You think all dwarves are from the Sunken Kingdom? GILBERT No, no, of course not. I'm sorry-- BIANKA I'll have you know I'm from the Imperium. You probably think we all know each other too, huh? GILBERT I apologize. BIANKA You wanna ask me where my gold stash is, and if I can fix some mechanical little trinket for you while you're at it? GILBERT I'm sorry-- BIANKA I just so happen to be really good with mechanics, but that has nothing to do with me being a dwarf, thankyouverymuch! GILBERT I'm so so sorry. Please don't hate me. BIANKA What's with the stick? GILBERT Uh. BIANKA Never mind, I honestly don't care. Hey, beautiful, what's your name? FAENDYR Faendyr. BIANKA I wasn't talking to you. FAENDYR What?? CAMILLA Oh, me? The Royal Princess Camilla Aslinn Philomenia Antonia, Duchess of Brador. BIANKA You look very familiar. I never forget a pretty face. Hold on... you're on the money! CAMILLA Yes, I am the crown princess of Kirkland. It's not a very good likeness, I'm afraid. BIANKA Oh no, I love it. A strong nose for a strong woman. I'm Bianka Coalbrand. A true pleasure. CAMILLA Likewise. GILBERT Um. What's happening right now? BIANKA You folks look lost. Maybe I can help you out. What are you doing in Jade Reach? COLIN We're trying to get lucky! GILBERT Oh my gods. No, we're not. We're looking for the museum. COLIN Oh! I know where the museum is. Brad told me. GILBERT Who is "Brad?" COLIN My rat friend. GILBERT Oh no. He's not your friend. COLIN Yes he is! FAENDYR Whatever. The kid obviously made it up. What kind of name is "Brad"? COLIN The museum is this way! Colin RUNS off. BIANKA Mind if I tag along? I wouldn't mind looking at some beautiful art. The museum can't be half bad either. CAMILLA *giggle* FAENDYR Ugh. The sooner we get this over with the better. GILBERT Shall we? FAENDYR What kinds of things do dwarves put in museums even? GILBERT Faendyr, please be nice. BIANKA What kinds of things do elves put in museums? FAENDYR When you live forever, museums aren't necessary. OLFGA Good. Soft humans and elf do exactly as Olfga planned. Spartak! ORC BOY SPARTAK Hm? OLFGA Follow them. Soon we pay final visit to Olfga's new friends! NARRATOR It would seem that the Companions are walking into a bit of trouble. What is Olfga planning? How do I know this is happening if I'm not technically present to hear Olfga speaking? Find out next time on THE ADVENTURES OF SIR RODNEY THE ROOT! CREDITS (Lena) The Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root is a production of Talking Fish Podcasts. This episode featured the voices of Michael Silver, Daniel Johnston, Lena Winter, Michael Reilly, Yasmin Tuazon, Stacey Kruml, Andrew Quilpa, Tom Howley, Jenny Oberholtzer, Courtney Branch, and Laura Zheng. Our producers are Michael Reilly, Lena Winter, and Laura Zheng. Connect with us on social media at TalkingFishCast, or visit our website for more show information at talkingfishpodcasts.com. This show was made possible by our Kickstarter backers and Patreon supports. Support the show at Patreon.com/TalkingFish BLOOPER JENNY We'll fix it in post. MICHAEL AND LENA (at the same time) Exactly.